HAIKU

a Hum I project..:)

Rice plant bows its head
as if to thank the Heavens
for its heavy load...
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Though worn-out and trite
lowly Slippers bear with pride
the burden of Feet...

nov.1,2003

to you, you know who you are...I unearthed this poem which I've composed on the impulse as I was thinking of you...:) corny no? hehe, twas Nov. 1, 2003...(take note of the year, you know who you are..:)

I don't want to lose you
but this can never be right
and so before I say the final adieu
i'll let myself be swallowed by the night
and when darkness falls in
you won't see me cryin'
you'll just hear my voice calling out to you
pretending that I don't love you...

Writer's Block...sigh...

Lately, I feel like I'm suffering from writer's block. You know, that feeling of not being able to express yourself properly in words, and damn, I just hate it! I know I have a lot to say, I know I have a lot to express, but I'm just having a difficult time. Probably, it's just because of my eternal busy bee disposition that I hardly have time to write, hence, resulting to the dormancy of my writing skills...sigh :(
Anyway, if it's any consolation, I browsed through my past masterpieces to remind me of those "glorious writing days", :) when I had all the luxury to put everything in words. And indeed, seeing those works made me wish that I could revive the writer in me! Oh boy. if only I had the time...

Youngestus Spinsterus (kulit lang..;)

(A curse for myself nyahahaha!)
...Coz I'm afraid to love again
and be hurt in the end
Then let it be done
that I become the youngest spinster
at age twenty-one!
(kaboom!kazaam!)

I SAW HER...

I saw her.
I saw the girl who UNCONSCIOUSLY caused my heartache.
I saw the girl who didn't know that back then, she dealt with someone who was already attached...attached to me.
But I didn't feel any hatred at all.
Because I understand perfectly that she was unaware of what was happening back then. She just played the part of a simple girl who caught the attention of someone, who, sadly, was attached already...attached to me.
Well, at least, that's what I know. And I just hope that she really didn't have any knowledge of the existing relationship when she dealt with him.
Somehow, seeing her brings pain to my heart because she reminds me of my "loving and losing it" experience. Yes, she's become a painful reminiscence, even if it wasn't really her fault...
But as I've said, I'm not mad, there's no hatred in my heart anymore. Yes, I admit, before, I wished that she would disappear forever in this world..:) But of course, that's just a natural reaction from a girl who was hurt.
Reality check though, she has no fault, that is if she really didn't know about US. And if that's the case, I would like to apologize to her for all the judgements and nasty things I've thought and said about her. I was just hurt, plain and simple.
I saw her.
I saw the girl who UNCONSCIOUSLY caused my heartache.
I saw the girl who didn't know that back then, she dealt with someone who was already attached...attached to me.
But I didn't feel any hatred at all.

Getting over him...

I realized that
getting over him
doesn't necessarily mean
losing my love for him...
Rather, it's accepting that
we really are not meant to be
no matter how much I try
to keep the flame alive...
I thought I could control
and go against everything
in order to follow my heart
but in the end, I've learned that
it's still fate which has the final say!

Same Ground

that's why I don't understand
is why I'm feeling so bad now
when I know it was my idea
I could've just denied the truth and lied
why am I the only one standing stranded
on the same ground...
-kitchie nadal
same ground

Last words

Haha, these won't definitely be my "last words" (as opposed to the title of my first ever blog..;)).
Ok, so why "Last words"? Well, it's the title of the Friendster message which I was supposed to send to HIM last March 28, 2005. It was supposed to be my farewell message to HIM and I wrote it spontaneously, pouring out all my emotions. But..tsk tsk..much to my disbelief, I didn't have the heart to send it to HIM. I didn't have the heart to actually say goodbye..not yet..
I decided to post this in case he accidentally (?) opens my site and reads my blog. Then he could think of the "might-have-beens" had I actually sent the message to him back then..
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Note: I've edited and censored some of the words here so as not to divulge his identity..:)

Subject: last words...

Message: wala lang, siguro I just want to express what I really feel about all that has happened. Pasensya ka na kung magulo tong message ko ha, ang gulo din kasi ng utak ko ngayon. Alam mo, looking back, I didn't expect na we'd end up this way. Andami nang nangyari at andaming what if's at could've been na pumapasok sa utak ko. Ang sarap magreminisce ng kwento natin, parang movie, may comedy, action (pag nagsasapukan tayo hehe), horror (tuwing nakikita kita mwahaha) at ngayon drama. Dati I'm so mad at you, ngayon, I just feel so numb, parang ayokong isipin na nangyari nga yun. Parang sa dami nang pinagdaanan natin, sayang..I thought I'd be spending forever with you, hindi pala. Corny no, pero totoo yun. Ang gulo na talaga ng utak ko. Ngayon, ang problema ko ay kung paano kalimutan ang isang taong mahal mo pa. Kailangan e, for self-preservation. alam mo na, tao din lang naman ako at natrauma talaga ako ng husto. para kasing hindi ko na kakayaning mahurt pa uli. Ayoko din naman na tuluyan na kitang i-hate kaya iniiwasan ko na din kasi I don't expect you naman to be perfect at alam kong may magagawa ka pa ring mali in the future at ayokong nandun ako para saksihan yun. gusto ko na lang magstagnate ang image mo for me ha as someone na mabait, nagpasaya sakin ng husto. Ayoko nang makita yung mga moments na magkakamali ka pa uli. Alam ko ako naman di rin perfect kaya iniiwasan ko na din na dumating yung point na ako naman ay maencourage na magloko after all ganun din ang ginawa sakin, basta, gets mo ba yun? ayoko na ding maging selosa, paranoid, doubtful at kung anu-ano pa. kaya wala akong choice kundi lumayo sa yo para makapagrecover. alam mo, I feel that i've given you everything na wala nang natira for me at kelangan kong magreplenish or else mamatay ako, gusto mo ba yun? I'm now giving you your freedom para di ka na maguilty sa mga moves mo. Ayokong maging hadlang sa happiness mo kaya ako na lalayo. Grabe, ang ganda na sana ng story natin pero anong nangyari...Pero hindi naman kita biniblame sa nangayari. alam ko na hindi ka lang nagsasalita pero ako din madaming pagkukulang sayo kaya siguro nangyari yun. all im asking for is honesty naman, ok lang na masaktan ako by saying kung anong pagkukulang ko, sabihin mo na please para may matutunan naman ako. hay alam mo, mamimiss talaga kita pero kelangan kong maging strong. This is for the good of us. sayang talaga, andami ko pang gustong ikwento sayo, iasar, iloko, andami pa. pero siguro hanggang dream na lang yun kasi alam ko matagal-tagal pa tayo bago magkita uli. Ano nga kayang magiging reaksyon natin pag nagkita tayo uli? Sana wag tayong mailang pero parang imposible yun no. Wish ko lang makayanan nating magpretend na ok tayo lalo pa kung aksidente tayong magmimeet at one point in our lives. hay ****, o sige hindi naman puro sama ng loob ang papabaon ko sayo, shempre, I just want you to know na napasaya mo talaga ang isang chapter ng buhay ko. as in. you made it so colorful na ngayon hindi na ako sanay sa "gray". Yung mga pangbabalahura mo, lahat na, kaya ng kita minahal e. Naniniwala naman ako na naging totoo ka at sincere ka sa mga ginawa mo sakin. sa lahat ng effort, sacrifices, salamat ha..oo nga pala makakasama nga kita forever, kahit sa memory lang. Sabi nga nila, when you give your heart to someone, you are also giving him the power to hurt you. Totoo kaya yun hehe? Di bale, love naman is taking risks di ba. in the end mo lang malalaman kung ano ba talaga. E yung atin, hehe, joke lang. Ay naku nambabalahura lang ako ha, just to make this message light kasi nararamdaman ko na yung uhog sa ilong ko mwehehe. Ayun, so pano gudlak na lang sa life mo ha, promis mo magpapakabuti ka especially sa pag-aaral mo ha. At be true to your **c*****. Kung maging ***i ka, mabuti, oy libre **s** na ha hehe..;) O sige andami ko pa sana sasabihin pero
til here na lang. goodbye..until we meet again...

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Until now, I think I'm not yet ready for full reconciliation with HIM but then again,the fact that i did not send the message to HIM also means that I'm not yet ready still... to let go...